Thursday, May 24, 2012

Sharp Corners

I had a rough beginning to my week. Had my car window smashed Sunday early morning, nothing was taken, but it caused me to be home Monday.

Monday is a day I should have gone to work as it was my last day at my company. If you know me in real life or have heard me rave about my job you would probably guess this is not by choice. I was told over the phone, which is probably for the best because I was a mess after that phone call. Tears were shed, I was angry, but since it was lay-offs I couldn't even focus my anger at one event or person. 

I know that it was JUST a job, but in ways that I can't fully communicate I feel like I am mourning the loss of something much bigger.

I had a uplifting commute. Sure it took me a half hour, but it was gorgeous and it was less of a commute and more of a drive through new england that ended at my office.

The people I work(ed) with were fun, knew how to do their job and we worked together so well. Normally I draw a pretty hard line between work and home/social life, it's why I can't be a telecommuter. I need a HARD line. At this job I had a hard time doing that. I feel like I worked with siblings, we had common interests and I genuinely cared about how they were doing both at work and out. We shared funny stories, rituals and I learned more in the first week than I had learned in the three years at my previous job. I shared homemade pickles, gained plants for my garden and learned more about life than I thought possible from people I work(ed) with.

I think I'm mourning the loss of all of it. The work and the paycheck were not horrible. The day to day was not painful and I liked doing it, but it was still a job. I never thought I would be there forever, but even on bad days I loved my coworkers. When I went back to clear out my cube I was completely composed until I had a chance to really talk to my boss. I couldn't stay in control. I pride myself in not crying at work. I don't feel it's appropriate work behavior, but it didnt' matter any more. I cried. I'm sure my boss was uncomfortable, but true to form he just let me be me and when I was composed we continued our conversation.

So what are my plans? I'm exhausted. This was not an emotional roller coaster; it was more of an emotional tsunami, with a giant wave, then as the days pass I keep getting hit by waves. Sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's sadness. I am lucky that I have people that are still working at the company who are helping me with job leads and are completely encouraging. It is wonderful, and hard at the same time, I'd rather be back there tomorrow and yet I know even if they offered me a job I couldn't go back.

I'm taking memorial weekend off from everything and after that I have set up a schedule that forces me to get out of bed, continue to run and continue to study for the certification I'm hoping to get this summer. I am also going to slowly work through those things I want done around the house all while applying for jobs and taking advantage of resources I'm offered.

I'm going to make sure I enjoy my life. Just because this ended doesn't mean my life is over. I will leave the house and see people that I enjoy. That means I will have lunch with co-workers (former) and see my knitting friends. It means I will listen to podcasts that make me laugh and The biggest thing I am going to do is focus at least a half hour to stop, breath, enjoy my surroundings. I am going to enjoy my backyard and my hobbies. I might even pull out my yoga mat and do some yoga and meditation in my backyard. Or at least enjoy lunch in the sunshine

1 comment:

Michelle said...

That sucks. I still think about getting laid off from a job I loved and that was over nine years ago. I know I'm a little far from you, but let me know if you want to do some daytime knitting sometime in between all your other stuff!